Sudbury: Chubby, chill and (apparently) ready for anything

With tongue firmly planted in cheek, let me declare that we, as a community, might be staring down the barrel of the greatest community marketing ploy this city has ever seen. The question is, do we have the wherewithal to make it happen.

In yearly health data reports, Greater Sudburians are told we’re sicker and fatter than the average Ontario resident. We have more cancer and we have more heart disease. We’re told our children are sicker than the average, too.

To be honest, it’s troubling to have to report on the state of our health here in Ontario’s Northland every year, because the picture is always so dire. It always makes us sound, well, bad.

Our winters are longer and colder so we spend more time not moving than most residents of this province. We know what it’s like to hunker down for warmth.

Our industries are mostly resource-based, which come with long, physical working hours, more possibility for on-the-job injuries and death (than, say, working in an office on Bay Street), more noxious fumes and dust … you get the picture.

So, our health suffers. But we’re northernerns, right? We’re not southern softies who don’t know a core sample from an apple core. Do we let our generally poorer health get us down? Hell, no.

In fact, it's quite the opposite. Remember that survey that came out last spring? It found Sudburians are generally extremely happy.

We don’t let that dire health data depress us. We just smile and carry on. Of course, we smoke more cigarettes, use more drugs and drink more booze than southerners, which could account for our happier dispositions, I suppose.

But it could also be just a quality of our character: When it’s time to work, we work. But when it’s to play, we play — hard. We dive right in. Northerners know how to have a good time. We certainly don’t need alcohol or drugs to do it, but we don’t mind a little recreational lubrication either.

Speaking of lubrication, we learned this week that adult toy supplier PinkCherry.ca has released its ranking of the Canadian communities where it shipped the most of its wares last year. And what do you know? Sudbury ranked third in the whole country.

I’m not sure if that distinction is dubious or not (but I’m leaning on the not side). From the comments on our website, NorthernLife.ca, it seemed most people who responded took our penchant for sex toys as a point of pride.

So, not only do we work hard and play hard, when it comes time to get intimate, we know how to let the good times roll (or vibrate or warm up or what have you).

We shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed. We should be using the health data to our benefit. Sure, Sudburians are chubbier and more intoxicated, but we’re also more sexually adventurous and generally happier. To me, that says we know how to relax and we don’t take ourselves too seriously. To me, that says we should acknowledge these facts and turn them to our advantage.

“Sudbury: The Resourceful City” is an OK slogan, if a little boring. Sure, we have a resource-based economy, but where’s the fun in that?

How about “Sudbury: We don’t judge” or “Sudbury: Come as you are” or “Sudbury: Just relax” — I’m telling you, we have a winner on our hands.

If we take these attributes and combine them into one unique marketing plan, we’ll have more tourists and new residents than the Kingsway has potholes. We’ve got the best urban amenities coupled with all the natural beauty right outside our door, combined with our predisposition to relax and enjoy life — what more could people want?

“Sudbury: Anything goes” — I’m telling you it’d be huge.

Now, somebody pass me the chips and crack me a beer. I’ve got the munchies and I’m all out of batteries. (And again, just to be clear, tongue firmly planted in cheek.)

Mark Gentili is the managing editor of Northern Life and NorthernLife.ca.