The recently widowed woman holds back tears as the shopping mall’s PA system plays her deceased husband’s favourite Christmas carol.
The bereaved parent turns on the television to be confronted with an endless array of Christmas toys and children’s smiling faces.
The middle-aged woman contemplates her new “orphan status,” having recently lost her widowed father, and realizes the impact such a void will have on the traditional seating arrangements for Christmas dinner.
Society is obsessed with superficial happiness and merriment during the Christmas season. Often, bereaved people are expected to laugh when they would rather weep. They are trampled in dance, when they want to sit and mourn. They are terrified of Christmas trees, baking and office parties, because they simply do not fit. Their emotional responses of anger, sadness and guilt are genuine, yet are rejected because such thoughts detract from the Christmas spirit.
Perhaps, as a community, we should be more sensitive to bereaved people and accept the normalcy of their hurt at Christmas. We should encourage the bereaved to confront Christmas rather than avoid it. A few years ago, a local man who had lost his 10-year-old son that August asked me whether or not he should put up the Christmas tree. I explained to him that acknowledging Christmas in relation to his son’s life was good and necessary.
The man said he thought it would be “too difficult.”
I saw him in January and asked what he had decided to do; he and his wife had set up the tree. They cried considerably as they unwrapped their son’s treasured ornaments, reminiscing about one of their son’s favourite traditions in previous years. When done, the tree was “not as good as” when their son took part, but was still a tangible dedication of his life and values. The tree allowed them to grieve their loss, but also celebrate a loved life.
This Christmas, let bereaved people confront the past in relation to the present. Maintaining the traditions of baking, of tree decorating, of card writing will help, but knowing it is OK to cry, to question and to remember will help even more.
Perhaps, getting out former Christmas gifts from the deceased or picture albums would be the catalyst for such remembering.
However, one cannot live only with Christmas Past — Christmas Present requires a mentality of acceptance of new traditions without the loved one. Perhaps a new menu for Christmas dinner, a new time for gift exchanges, a new place of worship for Christmas liturgy will help establish new traditions.
Finally, bereaved people need to be prepared for normal mourning on Christmas morning.
Bereaved people have normal feelings; they need to confront rather than avoid Christmas by remembering the past and adapting the present.
The community needs to accept and support the bereaved at this difficult time by remembering them through telephone calls, Christmas cards and Christmas coffees.
Finally, let us remember that the true spirit of Christmas taught by that babe in swaddling clothes included living, accepting, caring and sharing. To this end, the supported and understood bereaved person can join Tiny Tim this Christmas by saying “God bless you, everyone.”
Grieving
Here are a few suggestions I hope will help bereaved people this Christmas season:
1. Keep a diary of how Christmas is emotionally affecting you. It will help you evaluate and better understand your feelings.
2. Set aside a few minutes each day at a regular time to acknowledge you’re hurt. Ventilate your feelings, go to your basement and give a good yell if you need to.
3. Tell family and friends that it is OK to use the name of the deceased and remember him or her.
4. Maintain your support system. Call four or five friends and arrange to have a cup of coffee with them Christmas week.
5. Make a Christmas visit to the final disposition place of the casket or urn and express your Christmas feelings directly to the deceased.
Gerry Lougheed Jr is president of the Lougheed Funeral Homes and chair of the Bereavement Foundation of Sudbury.
