On Jan. 20, Sudbury was sitting at a three on the Long John Index.

Today (Jan. 23), it didn't make the charts, since the temperature-gauging system only kicks in at zero degrees C.

Anything from no temperature to -10 C measures in at “wimpy” anyway - not something northerners would want to be associated with.

Last winter, Colin MacIntyre began the Long John Index as a joke.

His Twitter followers seemed to enjoy his weather updates, which are based more on what to wear outside than what the weather is actually doing.

As more and more people started asking for advice on what to wear, McIntyre did the most logical thing he could think of. That's how the faux-government department website came to be.

“The Long John Index is a 'not-scientific-whatsoever' method of measuring when, and if, one should be wearing a pair of thermal long underwear, known more commonly in the Dominion of Canada as long johns,” according to longjohnindex.ca.

Currently, there are about 800 people following MacIntyre on Twitter, and on cold days, nearly 3,000 people log onto his website.

When MacIntyre created the site, he thought people would look at it as “a silly Canadian blog,” but to his “terror and surprise,” many people use the index as an actual guide.

While the information is all taken from legit weather websites, it's not presented in the most typical way.

The index runs from one to five — the higher the number, the greater the need for long johns.

A one, also known as “low or wimpy,” is when temperatures are between zero and -10 C, and there is no windchill.

“Long johns shouldn’t be needed, unless one is spending seven or more hours outside with no toque and standing so still they might be mistaken for one of those creepy living mannequins,” according to the index. “Any movement will generate enough body heat to not need long johns. Hell, blinking will generate enough body heat to keep you warm. If you are wearing them at this temperature, hang your head in shame, and go back to Vancouver.”

A two is considered moderate — temperatures range from zero to -10 C, but with a measurable windchill.

“Long johns are probably a good idea if you are spending more than an hour or so outdoors,” the index stated. “You shouldn’t need them for short commutes or jaywalking. Probably best to start diggin' 'em out of the underpants drawer, as if it gets any colder, you’ll need 'em!”

At three, the long john index is considered high. It's when temperatures are between -10 C and -20 C.

“Long johns should be worn for being outdoors for anything more than half-an-hour. You may also want to look into some for your pets. And, if it gets any colder, you may start sleeping in these things, so best to get a backup pair.”

At “crazy high,” or four, temperatures are between -20 C and -30 C.

“Long johns should be worn if you are outdoors for more than 10 minutes,” the index stated. “It’s bleeping cold. If you aren’t wearing any, you’ll get that freezing, yet for some reason burning, sensation on your upper thighs. That’s your thighs' way of freaking out, wondering why it’s so cold. Your thighs hate you right now.”

At the final stage, five, it's “effin nuts.” The temperature is colder than -30 C, and windchill no longer matters.

“Long johns should be worn indoors. Don’t even bother going outdoors. Don’t even look at the outdoors, unless you have long johns for your eyes. It’s that cold. Just grab some comic books and some hot chocolate and go back to bed. When it’s nice out, someone will tell you.”

The Long John Index also includes information on when toque hair is acceptable, along with other cold weather facts.

For more information about the Long John Index, or for regular updates about the current index of Sudbury, visit longjohnindex.ca.

Posted by Arron Pickard